It was my fault. He won’t do it again. I love him. He promised me he would change. I could give a million reasons why I stayed and why I returned to my abuser over and over. I struggled with drug addiction for more than half of my life. It was easy to believe that everything was my fault. It was my first relationship, and I admit I wasn’t perfect either. I was young, and I moved in with him after being kicked out of my parents’ house for using drugs. We had some small fights until one night he came home, and I could tell he was high. He went into a rage and I thought he was going to kill me.
I spent hours trying to get to my phone and call the police. I finally did manage to call just before he smashed my phone. This only made it worse. He was breaking everything around us – tables, chairs, doors. I was attacked by the dog while jumping down half a flight of stairs to get away and didn’t make it out. I held on until the police knocked at the door. He was holding me down as I kicked and squirmed. I tried to scream with every breath until, thank God, they broke the door down. I didn’t press charges and I lied for him. I did, however, manage to leave him. I swore never again.
After being single for a while, I met a successful man. He was different than anybody I had ever dated. It started amazing and exactly what I thought a normal relationship would be like. Before long, it was a disaster and I was covered in bruises and marks on my neck from him grabbing me by my throat. I didn’t have anywhere else to go and he was there for me. He told me he loved me and that he was the only one that cared about me. Still, in the grips of my addiction, I believed him. I was stuck and without him, I was homeless again. One day he brought home a puppy, Riley, who became the best friend I ever had. Unfortunately, Riley became a punching bag as well. I never did get the courage to leave on my own. I was eventually arrested and sent to state prison. For the first time in a long time, I finally felt free. I swore never again.
I was released from prison in March 2017 and finally got clean on April 22, 2017. I slowly began to turn my life around. I worked on myself and my recovery. I got my place, worked towards a promotion at work, and started my first career. I became a strong, independent woman in recovery that other women looked up to. I even took Riley from my ex. Riley looked like he had been starved, his ribs were showing, and he had no energy or life in his eyes. I was finally able to give him a safe home.
Everything was amazing, and then I met him. The man of my dreams was handsome, charming and the chemistry was amazing. He made me feel like I was perfect, like I was special. I fell head over heels in love and then the lies began to reveal themselves. It was one heart-wrenching nightmare after another. I was ashamed that even as a sober woman he was able to break me down. The first time he put his hands on me he blamed it on being high and I forgave him. The problem was that he was high all the time and I couldn’t trust him. I spent what was supposed to be our vacation alone in the hotel after he beat me up, stole my money, and went to another woman’s house. I tried to leave several times. He stalked me, slept on my steps, and repeatedly broke into my building. I took him back every time until I got so tired and so numb I couldn’t take it anymore. I just wanted it to stop, I just wanted him to go away, and I ended it for good. He appeared everywhere for a couple of months, I was so scared. He hacked into my social media accounts at one point and threatened me with pictures that he stole. I felt completely violated but he did eventually go away.
I feel safe now. I’ve finally been able to focus on building my life and chasing my dreams. I am truly happier than I have ever been in my life. I pray never again. I am happy. I am free. I am Heather and I am a survivor.
